Monday, October 08, 2007
who i am
I've been rather emotional these days. There's a lot of things that people see
of me, but not that
in me. No, i don't have a problem with that, i'm not upset, i'm not even expecting anything out of saying that. I just want to say it, that's all. Now that aside, and moving onto something else not particularly unrelated, I guess some of you know of how my life and walk with God has drastically changed since coming here. Well, it can generally be observed that when one draws nearer to the Father, life doesn't necessarily become easier, and most of the time it becomes quite the opposite.
With new heights i've achieved with God, i'm actually finding my trials, both past and present coming back to haunt me in a different way. Having gone thru physical tangible trials before (eg. financial or physical pain), i'm now finding myself dealing with a whole new set of challenges, trials which are less tangible, struggles which are less visible, those that don't play on body, but those that eat at your heart, your mind, your soul. Intangible, mental,
spiritual - it's hard to grasp.
But at this we know that the battle belongs to the LORD, and as much as there is war on earth, so there are wars in the heavenly realms.
My struggles? They're the LORD's. I'm glad the devil has started to take notice; says a lot doesn't it?
I know that this facade that I put on does not always reflect what necessarily is inside, which is why I said it's easier for people to see what's
of me and not
in me, that underneath this happy facade, is someone often tormented by his own shortcomings, still bothered by his iniquities.
BUT all that is changing, slowly but surely. I feel and I know that God has not given up on me, and that He's rebuilding in me a new spiritual man. I'm kinda inspired by the one in the Bible who they say is
a man after God's own heart. I wanna be just like him. I also want to be like John in the Bible, who refers to himself in his book (3:7) as "The disciple whom Jesus loved". Yeah, I wanna be just like him. And I also want to be like David's friend in the Bible called Jonathan, who always stands by his friends, who builds them up in Christ and loves at all times (Prov 17:17). I wanna live up to my name, I wanna be just like him.
LORD I know, with You, I can.
Oh and still being emotional here. In church today we sang the song which goes:
Glory, glory, glory to the Lamb.
Glory, glory, glory to the Lamb.
For He is glorious and worthy to be praised,
the Lamb upon the throne;
and unto Him we lift our voice in praise,
the Lamb upon the throne....a song which we used to sing a lot in my church back home. Twas then I was reminded of home. Standing at the back of the sanctuary alone, I looked around and saw parents with children, brother with sister, aunties, uncles, cousins - families worshipping God together. I closed my eyes and dreamt I was singing this song in CBC in the presence of family and friends whom I miss, and tears welled up in my eyes. Then the Holy Spirit opened my eyes again, and He pointed out the people around me, my friends in Perth. And He said to me, that this is your spiritual family.
That's why to these people, I want to be a David, a John, a Jonathan; the man whom God wants me to be.
12:58 AM |
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- the lovers, the dreamers and me -
