Thursday, June 30, 2005
untitled
I'm supposed to lead worship this Sunday, but i can't help but feel unworthy to carry out the task. Well, it's because of what happened last sunday. Well, i really can't explain what happened here, i don't want to remember such unpleasant things. But the very thought of it is really just eating on me. Everytime i think about it, i feel guilty of how i reacted. And it's really no point in justifying my actions, because there cannot possibly be any way that i was in the right. "In your anger, do not sin". I have failed. And it's really something i've been working on for some time now. It's just so difficult, life. I, it's me. My character is far from that of Jesus Christ, and i really am trying to overcome my internal struggles, like my quick-angeredness. Oh dear, what can i do...
Well, i'm going to pray...
Lord Jesus, You know what i did last sunday was very very wrong, and more than the hurt that both me and Andrew felt, it was You who was the most hurt by us. Lord, i beg for Your forgiveness, Your mercy to be upon me, for Lord, i just cannot carry out a task like leading worship with this inner feeling. But the truth is, Lord, that i really want to worship You every minute of everyday, but what i want to do, i do not do, and what i do not want to do, i do. Lord, let not my human nature take me over, but instead, let Your Holy Spirit in me thrive and spill goodness the world can see
11:32 PM |
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- the lovers, the dreamers and me -
Friday, June 24, 2005
240605
Ahh yes, the sweet smell of rain on a humid friday afternoon. Am supposed to go for a run at pasir ris, but come to think about it, how much more stupid can it get, when it is eons away from home, i'm not allowed to run, just walk for 1.5km, and in this wet weather too? I have decided to stay back in camp instead and play badminton.
Anyway, most of the day was boring, if not for the occasional thought of princess alvin which makes my blood boil. Alrite, it started like this. I was on a bus on my way to camp, when suddenly princess msged me to say he will be going to marjoo. What bullshit. Number 1, training there is over. Number 2, going there means you will not be restrained by any officer (cos you're a visitor to the camp and no one gives a damn about you). So at that, i concluded he wasn't coming to camp. Moron. His biggest mistake was to msg the rest as well, like Wong. Wong and i were rather upset by his actions and his stupidity, so we asked him (thru sms) to come back to camp, since his presence in marjoo (like he's even going) would make a world of difference, maybe except in terms of temperature in that he gives off heat and takes up space. Loser. And guess what?? After that, he msged back and said he was going to report sick due to a cough, and won't be coming. Walau eh, lie also can't lie properly. Chao geng-er. He knows there's a run at pasir ris later. Damn, if he had come i would have gone to pasir ris and made sure the bugger doesn't geng again. Damn it, i was right! I knew he would come up with some bloody dumbass story to avoid such vigorous activity. What a loser, still dare to say that he was a school runner last time. Runner my ass lah.
Here's to you Princess if you ever read this: You're such a loser, liar, bummer and a whatever shit you are. Crap. Piece of dung, life's never been worse since you came in. Keep your shit and your ugly condemned face to yourself. I think amarjit looks a thousand times better.
1:48 PM |
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- the lovers, the dreamers and me -
Thursday, June 23, 2005
today's just an ordinary day
Today was nothing special. My time spent at marjoo camp was even more boring than the day before. Luckily i don't have to go back again tomorrow. Stupid princess alvin today was such a bitch. I seriously don't want to dislike anyone, but i have never in my whole life ever met a bigger jerk than him. Well, that lazy bummer chao genged again (so what's new?) and left around lunch time. Stupid ol me shouldn't have tried to be nice, cos nice guys always lose. Well, i didn't pow toh him. Man, i had to tell encik a white lie. Enough about him. He makes my blood boil. Tomorrow we've got run at pasir ris park, and i'm goint o make sure princess al goes. Lazy bugger thinks he can escape again. Wong and i will do anything to make sure he doesn't geng it again. Anyway, wong and i are planning to catch batman begins after the run. We've both been wanting to catch the show, but are too lonely and pathetic to watch it with anyone else, so yay, a perfect match. Bleah...
Got home from camp just now. Then made overseas call to mom dad and aaron in Brisbane. I do miss them already. After my conversation with them, i realised i forgot to say, "i love you", which i wanted to say to my mom. I'm not a momma's boy, but i do miss her a lot. And i do miss my dad and aaron also, for that matter. Yup, then i headed down to church to jam with friends. At first it was only Angel mern and me, and it was a bit boring. I wanted to leave and go eat, but i pressed on. Didn't want to make anyone else upset like me. That wouldn't be fair to them. I'm glad i stayed on, cos after Dwong and Anna came, the mood lightened up, and we jammed most of the songs in the Hillsong Hope album, which i really like a lot. I ended up really enjoying myself tonight, and i thank my pals Dwong, Angel, Anna and my brother Mern. I do take them for granted sometimes.
That's all i shall rant for now. I know i had much more to say in the afternoon, but all that's forgotten now. I shall go rest. Oh, and i love everyone.
11:59 AM |
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- the lovers, the dreamers and me -
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Happy Birthday Me
i loved it today when i looked at my phone and it would read 22/06/05 on the screensaver. Yep, today marks my 19th year alive, my 228th month living, my 6935th day breathing air from my nose, my 166440th hour fumbling to survive, my 9986400th minute out of my mother's womb, or my...damn phone calculator no space to display number. Has life been good? Well, i definately can't complain, considering i am fortunate enough to possess the many needs as well as wants, that many out there are deprived of or even covet for. I have a GOD who loves me even though i'm part of the foulest most vilest species ever created, and have hurt Him tens of thousand times too many, and He still forgives. I'm also blessed with a family, who through all the squabbling have become close, loving and understanding. And i'm also thankful for the fact that my parents are still happily married after all these years. I guess their togetherness is something i take for granted. I'm also blessed to have oh so many friends out there, who are always there for me when i need them. I don't know what i'll be without them.
But i guess for me, i would think that i'll be lying to myself if i looked at the bright side of the things around me all the time and ignored the poignant moments. See, these darker moments are not necessarily bad things, but rather, it is with such things that make the good things in life more pleasurable and more meaningful, as well as to bend and break us to become a better person. It's all part of God's perfect plan.
Well, let's talk about my day today, the 22nd of June 2005. It's my birthday! I woke up and headed for camp even though i was to report straight to marjoo camp for training, cause i absent-mindedly left my uniform in camp. Fair enough, considering my home is considerably near to camp and marjoo camp. Got changed, then strolled sunset way and took a bus from there to marjoo. Took me about 10 minutes just to get thru the guardhouse as they were being very thorough with their spotchecks. Good! This is the kind of soldiers our army really need. So anyway, waited another 10 mins for princess to arrive, before going with him deeper in the camp compound. He bashfully wished me a happy birthday. The moment was awkward, but still i appreciated the salutation. We then proceeded for the training in some airconditioned lecture room. It was rather boring. It was torture trying to keep my eyelids more than half open, but i managed, until lunch time. Princess and i decided to go to maccas at KAP since we had a little more than an hour for lunch. And being visitors to the camp and having no officer to supervise us, we conveniently made use of this privilege and walked out of the camp compound, uninterrupted. I felt proud to wear my uniform that day as i strolled into macs. I ordered a McChicken mean and the guy behind the counter called me 'Sir'. Not that they don't, when i'm in civvies, but i was in the mood so i accepted it in my stride. When i got to my seat, i clumsily spilled my lemon tea all over my tray. The whole upsized cup literally toppled and my whole tray was flooded with lemon tea. Luckily i didn't remove my food from the tray if not the situation would've been much more embarrassing, and i would've gotten my uniform dirty. I dumped my fries after they got all soaked and completed what was left of my meal with an apple pie and an ice-cream cone. Back to marjoo it was, and princess conveniently left at 1522hrs, during their demonstration. I guess i shouldn't be talking bad behind his back cos it constitutes to gossipping, but it's something that i happen to find rather upsetting. Princess al is petty about work. He would do them to the bare minimum of his abilities, and i have reasons to believe the words, 'chao geng' were invented for people like him. OKAY. Enough about al. Let me continue about my day. Course ended close to 1600hrs and there was really no point in returning back to camp, so i made my way home. (Why not? It's my birthday!) I was on the phone with wong most of the trip back, talking about important stuff. My old friend Angeline (Kwek) saw me and msged me when i got home. Turns out her bf lives at blk 2 pandan valley and she was in the neighbouthood, so what the hey, we met up outside laurels supermart, and we had a long chat. Her bf didn't seem one comfortable the entire time, so i didn't want to prolong the conversation. He seemed so insecure about losing her. Anyway, i grabbed a bag of chips at laurels and made my way back home, where andrew came home. I had a nice chat on msn with genie and jacq, and jacq showed me the nicest most professionally done publicity posters for 'Air'. I'm so proud of her, and wondered why she wasn't recruited in the youths.blogspot team before! So it was around 1740hrs before andrew and i finally got to leave for marina square to catch 'A lot like love' at 1850hrs. The bus ride on service 7 took surprisingly long as traffic along orchard road was slow. Finally reached GV on the dot and we bought our snacks and headed straight for the theatre. The film was pretty okay. Not one of those shows that will have a "part 2", but it was nonetheless quite entertaining. It give it 3 out of 5 bites. Okay, the upsetting part was after the show. Think i'll start this on a new paragraph...
There! Okay. We were outside the theatres and we loitered around til we found the toilets where A and A spent lightyears in. It wasn't til then that they decided to wish me. Okay, i'm being petty here aren't i? But seriously, it was as if they forgot, and who wouldn't be discouraged? A forgiveable
faux pas it was anyway. So there we went loitering again. Oh, did i mention that Anna made me a card? It didn't contain the words, 'Happy', or 'Birthday' at all, but yet it meant so much. It was humorous, and it was from her heart. Now i know even more how much she treasures our friendship. Well, we continued loitering again anyway, and we wasted bout 15 minutes buying gelato and ice blended drinks, none of which i felt like indulging in, before we decided to head down to esplanade for drinks and a chit chat. D and K weren't very cooperative tonite and rather exclusive. This is my blog, and this is where i pour my heart out. Truth is, i felt like crying when we were sitting at the bench outside the esplanade, just behind the kacang puteh auntie's stall. Yah, i did. Well, i was hurt, hurt that half the group were in a world of their own and simply not making any effort to make this day special. But what hurt more was the fact that people i considered my friends were behaving this way, this almost cold behavior, towards me, and on this day. I forced myself to Thai Express where again, i again forced myself to smile.
Later on, on my way home on the bus, min msged me to wish me again, and to cheer up. I didn't know how to react. I was upset, yet i didn't want to show it. How can i cheer up so immediately just through one sms?? It's not that i want more. I don't. I don't need or want gifts. I have everything in the world, what else would i need? What i wanted was true friends and a good night, a night i would remember for at least the next few years. Alas, perhaps i was meant to remember it this way. Later still, Daryl msged to apologise. Sigh. I just didn't want to reply cos somehow i have the feeling that min asked him to. Sad that the bunch had to be so oblivious to the star of the day. Couldn't they just make me feel a little more special today? Am i so undeserving to receive such treatment? I start to ponder.
But lest i go on forever wallowing in depression and self-pity, i shall think about the bright and positive happenings of today. As for birthday wishes thru SMSes, i've received them from Genie, Fang Yu, Ah Mu, Cheryl, Angel, McDonald's Corp, Joyce, Dwong, Edward, Anna, Angeline, Rachel, and Judith. It's not the number received, but i must say that i am deeply touched and appreciative of this little act to say, 'I remembered'. As of now, i have not received any material gifts yet, but i am still happy. Very happy in fact. At least i do know that i do have friends who care and love me.
I shall not look back on the past (lest i turn to a pillar of salt?). I shall move on and forget about what happened tonite. I just hope that i won't be awkward around them next time. They are, afterall, still my friends. I shall not dwell upon this thought any longer, but if there's one thing i do want to be accomplished, it is that i hope to see less people forming into cliques. As seen tonite, are the harmful effects of over-cliquing. I'm certainly glad that i'm not an outsider or newcomer, if not i probably wouldn't want to come to church ever again.
Angel described this outing as, 'bittersweet'. Well, i did actually learn something from this experience. Apart from the reminder of the effects of cliquing, i also learned not to expect too much from people, just because it's your birthday. To me it may be a special day, but to someone else, it's just another day, just like yesterday or the day before.
But after all said and done, i really shouldn't complain anymore. If anyone happens to stumble accross this and get offended by it, well, you shouldn't be.
11:47 PM |
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- the lovers, the dreamers and me -
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
they remembered...
tomorrow's my birthday and already i got 3 ppls wish me. i feel so lucky. well not to say that i'm popular or anything cos i'm not, it's just that i feel so lucky to have these guys as friends. first i got eugene har who sms-es me 2 days before, then angel writes me a testimonial about aging on friendster, then jes, my old friend in melbourne wrote me a testimonial on friendster too! i was quite surprised and really very touched. she remembers. and i'm so grateful for her sincerity and kindness. she's truly a great friend, a gift from God.
anyway, tmr's gonna be a dumb day. well first off, the fact that it will be my birthday doesn't deter the fact that i'm going to spend the whole day with Princess Alvin at marjoo camp for some dumb tryout. oh, you don't know who the princess is?? well, lemme explain. i figured since al's ways are so sissified and he's such a rich brat and has got such a rotten rich man's attitude, i gave him the nickname, princess! pretty appropriate if you ask me. see the bugger's always falling asleep in office. one time, he fell asleep rite in front of the computer with internet access (yes he was hogging it) and i needed to use it, so what did i do? i whispered gently to wake him up. wouldn't want to shock him would i? but no, poor princess was deep in slumber and wouldn't budge. so i tapped lightly on the back of the chair, afterwhich he seemed to have woken up to a rude shock. like, excuse me? then he very rudely said, "Next time don't bang so hard la, people sleeping." i swore i could've sworn. reminds me of the fairytale about the princess sleeping on stacks and stacks of mattresses with a pea at the very bottom one. well, apparently al is equally sensative that a light tap is the equivalent to a violent eleven on the richter scale earthquake. hence the nickname, princess. i think it to be very appropriate.
some people are just rude by nature...
10:58 PM |
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- the lovers, the dreamers and me -
Monday, June 20, 2005
Aaron's gone
Oops. I forgot to bring my antibiotics with me to camp today. Oh well, guess i'll just have to eat them when i get home later.
Let's see, today is a bit of a slow day at camp. Not necessarily a bad thing. My boss is on leave the entire week (yay), the major couldn't be bothered about anything (and his office is far away)(yay), sky captain has taken leave (yay), LCP is on off (yay?) and biggest YAY would be that Al is having guard duty! YAAAYY!!!
Now see the ironic thing about Al and duty is that he's started doing his duty already, whereas i only start in july. It's ironic because i enlisted 4 months before him, and i'm not doing duty yet. Isn't that just fantastic? So to summarise about today, i've got the whole office to myself! And good ol wong done something to the Need For Speed Underground 2 game that it doesn't need a CD to run anymore. Good on u wong!
But having so much time today, it's just such a shame that i didn't bring my sports attire for badminton or a good book to read. Shucks, how could i have forgotten??
Oh, and Aaron flew off for Brisbane yesterday with my parents for studies. Sigh, i'm going to miss him even though i may not show it. It's like, sure we're still in contact and all, but the family's just not 'complete', if you get what i mean. Now, instead of getting a table for five at a restaurant, it'll have to be for a table for four. Needs getting used to. But all in all, i am happy for aaron, no more army, and he gets to pursue life in a new environment and learn to be independant. It's all good, and i'm honestly very very hapy for him. Go big brudder!
1:08 PM |
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- the lovers, the dreamers and me -
Monday, June 13, 2005
Ooh! A post!
Girl and i had a good talk last night to clear some misunderstandings. I managed to conclude that it's not what she does that makes me upset - it's the people around us. Like for example, those aunties who gossip? Stirs a whole lot of trouble. And how about 'them' who spoke badly of girl in front of me? I realised that i have a choice on who to trust, and i trust her. It's cos those gossippers only know the whole situation from thr surface. They don't know what she's going through, and they don't know why she's doing what she does. But i do. And i understand why things are like this, and it's fine with me. The only thing now affecting me is not her. I trust her. It's the nosey parkers around. Aunties uncles boys and girls. Haven't they got anything else better to do??
And so okay, we're both good. She left for youth camp at port dickson today. 'Miss me', she says. I will. Just for good friend's sake, like a baby misses his blanket.
Sigh, two more days to my sociology paper. Am i gonna flunk it like my Media Studies paper? Damn i'm such a loser. Know what? I've only got one thing left to do. Mugg. And that's what i'm gonna do this next slightly more than 48 hours to study. Can i make it? Only heaven knows.
9:25 AM |
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- the lovers, the dreamers and me -
Monday, June 06, 2005
help me!!
Sigh, i'm really not feeling so good today. Think i'm having a pounding migraine. My head just wants to explode.
Feeling stressed up about coming exams on the 9 and 15 June. I think i'm going to fail them both, which means i'm going to fail all my modules, which means it's going to cost my parents about $1500 per subject.
I'm such a failure.
I've been trying these past week to study, but it just seems so unbearable. I'm just not used to studying yet. I'm still relatively new to uni life, and it isn't exactly the easiest thing to be working and studying at the same time. It's just mentally draining. Oh poor me.
4:29 PM |
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- the lovers, the dreamers and me -
On top of the world, then you hit rock bottom
Girl, you know you make me so confused???
First, you told me you liked me. Then we both decided we can't be together. Not til you turn 17. I respect that. Then we strayed apart. I was depressed each time i saw you. You seemed okay. Or at least on the outside it seemed. And you told me i looked like i was okay too. But that also was on the outside. Girl you're such a beautiful disaster.
Yesterday we talked. Our first fruitful conversation since forever. And i enjoyed it entirely. I felt i managed to let out the things that i felt in my heart, about the people that made me ONE, and about other stuff. I must admit that i missed you most these few months. Strange, you were there all along.
Anyway, last week was a doozer. Argued with my mother on sunday about stupid things, then sat at the dinner table and just stared. I went to bed hungry that night. I didn't talk to my mom for the next few days. The only time i actually got to speak to her was on friday when she and dad were taking me to meet the other youths at Changi beach for the YF bbq. So i'm just glad we're talking now. And i only found out that she, aaron and cheryl would be going to penang on that night itself. Madness huh? We had pizza hut for dinner. For the price we paid, i didn't find the meal at all satisfying. Very ordinary, nothing special.
That's all for now. Let's hope things will stay this good.
8:39 AM |
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- the lovers, the dreamers and me -