Friday, July 29, 2005
why
Dear blog, i just had to record this down...
Sigh. I'm full of sorrow. My life is in a shithole. Save me, i'm drowning. I can't stand this life. Each time i try to live to the fullest, something happens and smacks me right in the head and tells me life sucks. But does life really suck? I try to tell myself otherwise, but circumstances always tell me so. Why? Why? Why?
Okay, my folks are pestering me about my studies all the time. And guess what?? Now i have a class on SUNDAY 9am to 12pm. AND I AM FUCKING SHOCKED THAT MY PARENTS CAN SO EASILY TELL ME TO SKIP CHURCH AND GO FOR THAT INSTEAD. WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF.
Okay there i go again. They made me do it. I hate swearing. I condemn swearing. But u know what? I just couldn't control myself there. Yah i know, "in your anger, do not sin". Sorry, Lord, i have sinned. I'm such an imperfect piece of clay. Worthless junk. Just leave me there to rot.
What on earth is happening man??? Everything that ever mattered to me is now stripped off me. I'm exasperated. But i can't tell them that, they won't listen. They only think they'r right, and i'm wrong, just because i made a few mistakes that was costly. But is it fair that because of that, i can just strip my church duties off me just like that?? I WILL GLADLY QUIT MINISTRY! But you know what? I rally don't know what to do, what to say...
i can't face anyone anymore...
I lost my reputation. I am a horrible man. I can't handle a love relationship properly. I display poor leadership qualities in church. I'm not doing well in anything i do. Not a single thing. I'm just useless now. And now to make me quit is like stripping me off what little dignity i have left.
THEY WON'T EVEN TRY TO FIGHT FOR ME...
I am so upset, so lost, so forgotten. I feel like just digging a hole and burying my head in it. Denial? Well, the truth hurts. Can i take this anymore? Before i even started, i've already failed. I have lost. Overtaken. Forgotten.
In...darkness....
7:40 AM |
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- the lovers, the dreamers and me -
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Burnout and its Consequences
I suffer from burnout. Or rather, i am suffering a burnout. It is somewhat like an illness, it comes as a consequence of an unhealthy Christian lifestyle. Symptoms include loss of focus, loss of interest, a high level of pride beyond 38 degrees, and perhaps even increased temperement on more severe cases.
Thankfully this illness is curable thru antibiotics Quietime syrup, a daily intake of bread, lots of (living) water (8 glasses daily), and portions of prayer. They help bring you back to health. You'll have to take them, and finish the prescription, if not, you won't heal. In fact, even if you are pink and healthy, take them as a health supplement! You can't go wrong even with an overdose.
Perhaps let me describe some of the consequences if left untreated...
Depression - This could occur if burnout gets the better of you, and if you fail to have the desire to get back to God. Like its name "Burnout" says, it simple means the burning desire for God is - Out! Depression could then lead to other problems such as bad relationships with friends, family or animals, as well as poor performance in church commitments, and in more severe cases, in social and academic too. Such a state is best avoided.
Temperament - This basically explains how your mood will change from "normal" to "swing" mode. This phase of the illness is hard to detect, and can make anyone a victim if they are not weary. When you know that someone is in this stage of the illness, it is not necessarily the best move to avoid the person, but to know your boundaries, as well as continued edifying, encouragement and support. Provokation is strongly discouraged.
This disease is not new, as there have been past records of occurances. Much has been learned from them, but yet each case is different and action to cure it varies from individual to individual. Though it is not contageous through air or the passing of saliva, it is a silent attacker and an easy illness to catch, with just neglecting one aspect of your life, the Spiritual bit.
Its consequences can be costly.
10:42 PM |
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- the lovers, the dreamers and me -
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Check back soon!!!
Hey there! All my friends whom i've known thru school or church or wherever, this blog will be making a comeback soon!!
Just wanna thank you guys if you have not deleted this address from your own blog links. Waiting for me to comeback is it? Haha..
SOON ok? luv ya all...
jon.
8:36 AM |
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- the lovers, the dreamers and me -
Friday, July 22, 2005
so many things
Hey, there's just so many things that have yet to be updated on this blog, cos i haven't had the time and the mood to update it. Well, i am ever so grateful to Angel for helping me put this blog up for me. It's a simple concept (it's my concept) but i think it represents the kind of blog that i want to have, one that relaxes me and makes me feel happy when i read it.
Well, i gotta seperate my entries into smaller paragraphs with this new layout, so here goes!
Camp has been good and bad. It's been excellent getting to know the guys from the other branches better and making conversations and good friends and all, and i really thank God for that. He has been so faithful to me. I love Him. As for the bad side of camp life, i'm really starting to feel the kick of army life. Being just a Private, my freedom is so restricted. There's always this insecurity lurking around in certain places and around certain people, it's just creepy. Not that my camp is "dirty" either, as i believe in a risen God. It's more of people bugging me than anything else...
I admit. I still have a problem with Alvin. Yes, i do. It's so hard to love the "unlovable" sometimes, especially when the things he does are just so provoking so annoying so... they're just wrong. I know i am not to envy those who do the wrong thing due to the fact i should be joyous in doing the right thing, but sometimes it causes so much suffering. Like breaking rules just to get better food outside of camp?? I just endure with what they provide. And i know that i myself haven't been much of a saint either, i just wish and hope and pray that someday i will be delivered from this trial. Oh Lord hear my cry. Lord i know what i do is wrong, but what i want to do, i do not do, and what i don't want to do, i do (Romans). Forgive me, Lord.
On a brighter note, i am proud to announce the completion of my very first camp duty as duty clerk! It's an interesting experience, and i'm sure there are a lot of things i can learn out of it. I've got another one this Sunday hence i won't be coming to church. But i hope that even though i'll miss one Sunday, that i will still manage to have a close relationship with God.
U know, being close to God is something that i wish i could maintain. For me, it always fluctuates. I should try to be more consistent. I pray that i can find more Christian brothers (and maybe sisters) in my camp, so that i can stay close to the One i love. God, You are my only One. :)
Today we officially welcomed Portia and Weihan into the Worship Ministry in YF. I don't know why these people have been there all the while but i did not welcome them to the committee. Guess God must have wanted to teach me something about relying on His providence instead of my own, for i am weak but He is strong. So yup, Angel, Posh, Weihand and I went to pizza hut just now for dinner. We had a great meal and we did manage to talk about stuff concerning worship in YF. Not so much of a discussion or anything, but more to get to know each other better and to see where they can cantribute in the worship scene. I really thank God for these two new people, and hope that we can all be united in ministry for the benefit of all in YF, and in turn be used as instruments to bring them closer to God.
God is our ultimate goal. I'm reaching for the prize.... I will run the race....
10:53 PM |
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- the lovers, the dreamers and me -